What works for me

Truly, there is nothing worse than someone telling me that's it time I "get over it." Seriously, if you lost your mother, regardless of when, you would never tell another motherless child to "get over it." Second to that, don't tell a motherless daughter that the pain or grieve shouldn't still be debilitating - regardless of when it happens, regardless of how long ago her mother died. See, the thing that people do not realize is that you never really get over it. Obviously I cannot say that with 100% conviction. Nor is it a guarantee or absolute fact. However, from all that I have read, from all that I have heard from others . . . it is a loss that one does not wholly recover from. And finally, the fact that my mother isn't in pain anymore and is in a better place didn't bring me all that much comfort the day she left . . . so, honestly, it's really not going to bring me all that much comfort today. So, please, don't say anything remotely close to "but she's in a better place."

An old friend of mine would repeatedly tell me that it was time to move past the pain and, literally, to "get over it." Easy for anyone to say when both parents are still standing. Easy to say when you don't have to actually put that into practice. Death is hard enough to manage and cope with, let alone have to cope with the death of a parent at a time that just seems so unfair and wrong. But, to have someone tell you to get over losing half of the combination that made you? To get over losing someone who was supposed to guide me through having children? To get over someone who was supposed to do this, that and the other thing? You have got to be kidding me.

Here I stand approaching eight years to the day since my mother left this world. And still, unless I'm being irreverant to a telemarketer, I cannot bring myself to say that word . . . that she is de*d. I've said it out loud and it makes me want to vomit. Literally. Ok, so it makes me want to cry, be sad and all that other stuff. But, honestly, it makes me want to vomit. Why? What daughter, at any age, wants to say that her mother is dead? Even moreso, what daughter in her late 20s really wants to say her mother is dead. And realize that her mother won't be physically present when she gets married or when she has a baby.

So, as the 8-year mark of my mother's passing nears . . . this is what I need to help me through:

1. Do not tell me to "get over it."
2. Be gentle and kind with me. I'm just as irreverant and relentless as the next person, but this is a time when I need those around me to just understand that, yes, I am fragile.
3. Understand that the pain will be overwhelming at times so I may say things that are more a reaction to a feeling of being overwhelmed than actually a reaction to what you say or ask.
4. Let me have my day or two of wallowing. I need it. If those days come up for me, I need them. I need to be able to cry, watch sad movies, listen to sad music or whatever to help me get out the preceding days and months of missing my mother.
5. Do not tell me to "get over it."
6. Give me a wide berth . . . be cognizant that this is an extremely difficult time for me. The last thing I really want to do is remind anyone who is close to me of what's seemingly around the corner. This is especially annoying if we've had the conversation and yet you still look at me like I'm a freak when I'm over-emotional.
7. Accept the fact that you nor anyone else will be able to comfort me. But, the fact that you are listening to me talk and cry like crazy is awesome.
8. If I say I hate you and everyone else who has a mother . . . don't take it personally. I highly doubt I hate you if you're being a pillar of support/strength during this time.
9. If you ask me what I want or what you can do and I respond with something that implies my mother being here, just let me say it. You don't need to respond . . . I know it's not possible.
10. Do not tell me to "get over it."
11. Don't try and make a list of things for me to do (or something of the like) to distract me and keep me moving forward.
12. Don't problem-solve my feelings of sorrow, loss and emptiness. You can't. Just listen.
13. If I start to smell, am wearing the same clothes, am not eating or being remotely social for more than two days, you have my permission to kick my arse into gear.

I'm sure there are other things to add to my list, I just can't think of them at the moment. I generally go into hiding when this time of year approaches. However, as the years progress it's getting harder and harder to hide. But, I'm also finding that I don't want to hide. Yet, to rely on someone, anyone, during this time is incredibly scary. So, for those who find that I've been turning to you more . . . this is a partial, growing list of what works for me during this time.

So, thank you in advance for being such a good friend and staying by my side when I've asked during this difficult time.

Psst . . . if you tell me enough years have passed and that I should "get over it" - I may hurt you. Badly. ;o) Consider yourself warned.