Not my friend

While driving to work today, a portion of the radio show I listen to addressed the relationship between a mother and daughter. And most callers discussing this topic stated their mom is their friend. In some cases, their best friend. Of course, I then reflected on what my relationship was with my mother and how I'll never know what it is like to be friends with my mother as an adult. Who knows . . . would we even be friends now? And then thinking of these things, a twinge of bitterness rolls through my heart.

As I've mentioned before in previous posts, my mother and I weren't the best of friends. We didn't really even get along. Ok, put us in a room, alone, for more than 60 seconds, and likely a fight would erupt. No joke. I now know that we are just too similar for our own good. And that probably would have gotten in the way of a truly functional friendship. But I feel robbed of the opportunity to have a failed friendship with my mother. And though I'll never know what it could have been like to be friends with my mother as an adult, I must thank her for not being my friend when I was a child and growing up.

When I taught elementary school, I often noticed parents (mothers, especially) being more of a friend to their child than a parent. This was evident in their communication and interactions. Inside I marveled and was mortified because my students, their children, behaved in ways that would have been totally unacceptable in my house growing up. I noticed my students would have a general flippant attitude towards adults. And then the real evidence of my students lack of respect for their parent, their friend, would be when parents (especially mothers) would express to me how their child would insist on something being completed or done because of me, their teacher. Parents would come to me and say how they couldn't understand why their child was so "bad" at home, but always heard glowing reports from me regarding behavior. How to balance the fun and being the adult is something I learned from my mother by example.

As I look back, I see that my mother mastered the art of teaching me that all adults are to be respected and heeded and that most of all, even though we may have fun together, at the end of the day . . . she's the mom. And that's what I did in my classroom - I had fun, great fun, with my students but I always made sure that at the forefront of everything was the simple fact that I was the teacher . . . I was the adult. And , for whatever reason, for however I managed to strike the balance, there were very few times in which my students needed reminding of their behavior and communication. And it made for many incredibly fun days as a teacher.

Now, I am no longer a teacher and look forward to the day when I am a mother. And I look forward to passing on to my child(ren) the values, respect, sense of fun, etc. that my mother instilled in me.

So no, there will never be a day when I am able to giggle like a school girl with my mother or go on a shopping spree with her. But, there will be many a days when her lessons are always manifested in the way I conduct myself with others. And that is because my mother was a mother, not a friend. And I'm quite alright with that.

Our turn

Thanksgiving.
Christmas.
New Years.
The holidays . . . they’re back.

Thanksgiving had its rocky moments, but all in all – it was a good holiday spent with family. And the family that I have inherited through my other half is truly a comforting family to have and to be with on the holidays.

Christmas is fast approaching and there is so much to be done. But what I’m most happy about is that my other half and I will be starting a first that will hopefully turn into a tradition for our family. His parents and grandmother will be sharing Christmas Day with us in our home. We are in the final “oh sh*t this has to be done” stage to have our home prepared and ready for our first hosted Christmas. Hopefully as each Christmas passes there will less of this panicked feeling in making sure our home is ready for the holidays, Christmas especially.

When we last saw my aunt, we were talking about holiday traditions. In my extended family, all the kids/cousins go to my aunt’s house for Thanksgiving and then there is the traditional kick the kids out of the house movie after dinner. Though I haven’t spent Thanksgiving with my extended family in a few years, I hear the movie tradition is still alive. My aunt explained that Thanksgiving is the only holiday in which she requires all of her kids to be home, and by extension extended family tries to be there as well. As this is how we all spent Thanksgiving when we were younger. Together. One big happy family. So, we told her that we were hoping to start a tradition of my other half’s parents, and hopefully his sister’s family (though she is married with her own set of in laws, etc.) some day, being in our home for Christmas Day. My aunt smiled and said that we, as the younger generation, should be taking the responsibility of holidays as well as starting our own traditions for when we have children. Or at least to keep the younger generation together. And I know this is definitely something I know my mother would want to see happen in my own family.

So, now, as matriarch of my own family, the Christmas decorations are starting to be put up so there are signs of Christmas in our home. Our front door is gift-wrapped and covered with bows, our windows have Christmas decorations on them. Soon, Christmas cards will be purchased, filled in and mailed and presents will be purchased and hidden. As I approach this Christmas with some different energy and perspective, there still remains a piece of me that is melancholy and disconnected. But seeing family, no matter whose family, often helps to fill the void. And hopefully one day, the void will no longer be present because I will have come full circle in knowing that no matter the day, the holiday, I am blessed everyday with a strong-willed mother as my guardian angel. And really, that is the best gift. Ever.