Fight or flight

Family. This time of year generally has me thinking a lot about family . . . the ones that are still here and those who have gone. It also reminds me of that "left behind" feeling. My mother is gone. My father generally spends most of his time in CA now. My brother is married and living in Shanghai. So, yes, I tend to get lost in that "left behind" feeling as the anniversary of my mother's passing approaches. The past few days, especially, I've been feeling especially blue and feel as though I have multiple personalities. It's amazing that anyone around me can deal with, what I think is craziness. Now, I do know that at some point, whether it be a couple of days or a week, I will shake these blues, sadness, whatever you want to call it. And I shared that yesterday while apologizing, yet again, for my recent craziness. It was at that moment that I was reminded that while it may seem as though everyone, in some way, has left me, I am in the process of building a family of my own.

Oh yeah, that's right! I'm building my own family. A family where life will be created and celebrated. A family where there will be no feeling of "left behind" - at least not immediately. the best part . . . I am creating a family with a man who I am so in love with. And this is the good stuff that I have to remember when all I want to do is be engulfed by the sadness that plagues me because my mother is gone. Yet keeping that perspective at the forefront of my mind is so difficult at times.

It remains difficult at times because I feel as though all I've been doing for the past eight years is re-building my life. Creating an existence without the presence of my mother. Re-creating my sense of family since now all that remains are the three of us . . . separated by ocean and land. And I have to admit that at times, it is just plain tiresome. All this rebuilding. Some days, I just want things as they were . . . the four of us.

But no, I must look forward and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Take comfort in the family I still have and continue to look forward to the family that I am creating. It's the circle and cycle of life. I can either fight it or welcome it. Some days I'm not sure what I want to engage in - a fight or life.