Figuring it out

Anger. That was the strongest emotion, aside from sadness, that I felt after my mother died. I was angry that she was gone. I was angry that I didn't have resolution to our conflict. I was angry that I couldn't talk to my brother or my father about my feelings and what was happening to our family. I was angry. In one fell swoop, my world seemed like it was unraveling and I had no idea how to keep it together. The thought that my mother wasn't in pain anymore didn't bring me much comfort. It didn't ease the anger that I was feeling inside.

Anger. It describes the nature of the relationship that existed between my mother and I for as long as I could remember. I was in trouble more often than not. That made my mother angry. My mother was gone a lot for work, my father was gone during the week for work, my brother was in high school so he wasn't around much either. All of that made me angry. And the times when we were all together or some combination of the four of us together, I was angry because I felt like a fish out of water. I didn't feel like I belonged in my own family. That made me angry. When my mother died, the three left standing were like independent islands. We came together when we had to . . . but we co-existed when we did. That made me angry.

At some point, the anger dissipated and changed into an emotion that changes all the time. Sometimes I'm angry. Other times I'm sad. And when I'm not feeling one of those, empty, alone, depressed filled those gaps. There are times, though, when I remember what it's like to have fun or be happy and not feel guilty that I was feeling those emotions. I remember when I would stop myself from those feelings because it felt wrong. It felt like I was disrespecting my mother, but I know that what she would want is exactly that - for me to continue to move forward. For me to continue with my life and be successful. Admittedly, I feel guilty for doing so. Yeah, that's me - do the opposite of what someone would want. Seriously, it's not that difficult to do what's right . . . to do what comes naturally. It doesn't matter if it is exactly what another person would want from me.

It is now in my life when things are settling and making sense. So, of course, now is the time when I think I've been feeling the saddest and angriest since my mother died. All of these awesome things that are happening - I want her here with me. It's funny how all the feelings tend to come full circle at some point. How they all take turns in making their presence known within my being. What I have to remember is that while it's ok and natural to feel anger, sadness and guilt . . . there will be that moment in time when the feelings must switch for me to be in the present and not ruin it for everyone else.

Striking that balance . . . that's what I'm trying to figure out and do successfully.