Last weekend, my other half and I were just chatting away when stories of our travels came up. While we were talking, I lowered my head in some sort of reverie as I started to remember trips that I took with my mother. There are so many remarkable trips we took together both within and outside the country.
The first time I recall travelling alone with my mother was to go to Taiwan with her to see my grandmother. I think I was about seven or eight at the time. Now, being the serious "daddy's little girl" that I was at the time (and probably still am to some degree), leaving for a month just wasn't high on my list of things to do. But, my mother being ever so wily and smart was definitely in tune with her daughter that summer. Truth be told, my mother bribed me. She bribed me with the ultimate bribe, at the time for a seven year old girl. My mother promised me that if I went with her, I could get my ears pierced while we were in Taiwan. This is significant because there was an age requirement imposed by my parents (ok, my mother) in order for me to get my ears pierced. So, you can see how easy it was for me to be convinced to go to Taiwan.
The unfortunate thing is that this trip wasn't just full of fun and excitement. In fact, I think what happened early on in the trip remained and evolved into a deep-rooted issue. Our journey to Taiwan would be long and involved plane changes, etc. In fact, one of our layovers was overnight (yay! I loved staying in hotels as a child. Wait, I still love hotel visits!). I remember my mother putting me on a bus. No, I did not know at the time that this was a shuttle to go to the hotel. She said that she would be right back. Well, she didn't come back quick enough for I saw the doors to the bus close and we were pulling away from the doors that my mother was supposed to exit. I think I was too frightened and unsure of what was going on at the time that I didn't know what to do - yell, cry, scream for my mother. I just sat there looking back and started to cry . . . silently. When we got to I now know was the hotel, I was in shellshock, crying, hysterical not knowing why I was there without my mother. Why my mother left me . . . all by myself. I didn't know why she wasn't with me, why she didn't want to be with me. Yes, these were all things I remember thinking while strangers were talking to me asking me if I was lost, where was my mommy or daddy . . . Yeah, like I could speak coherently through the violent sobs coming from my seven year old body.
Rest assured, my mother showed up and held me so close and tight and said sorry over and over and over. But I know that a small part of me never recovered from that sense of abandonment. From that feeling that my mother didn't want me. Clearly the part of my mother not wanting me is untrue and just a reaction from me as a child. But the feeling . . . I still sometimes struggle with that as an adult. That those around me will one day just vanish. Disappear. Now, it wouldn't be so bad if it was just an incident that happened with my mother. But, as it would turn out when I was nine years old, there would be a life-altering event as a result of my father, that would leave me with abandonment issues.
Now, I've wrestled those demons, for the most part, and have overcome those fears. But, there are still small moments when I feel as though the rug will be pulled out from under me. I try and keep those in check and realize that those who love me would never intentionally do such a thing. Just don't inadvertently let me lose track of you in a huge crowd. That is unless you want to see a grown woman have a panic attack.
And rest assured, that was just an isolated incident in my travels with my mother. Most of our trips together were fun and shopping filled. More to come.
