Nine years. It will be nine years this November 22 since my mother's death. And I can't believe just how surreal, difficult and painful it can still be.
So many things have happened since that time . . . my brother moved to Shanghai, I went to law school, my brother got married, my father moved to California, I graduated from law school and am now practicing, my brother and his wife are expecting a baby girl in January and my other half and I are having our church wedding in June. To me, though, each of these things don't feel entirely right because of a missing presence.
There's always this double-edged feeling that comes with my happiness and enjoyment at certain moments. I'm thrilled to be planning the wedding . . . but I am a little sad because I never thought that my mother wouldn't be there to help. I'm excited to become a mother . . . but I won't have the benefit of my mother's help. It's not that I haven't developed relationships with my other half's mother and other women . . . but some days it just isn't the same, doesn't feel right and some days I'm just downright bitter. I think about all the people in my life who I would have loved my mother to meet . . . most importantly, my other half. But, she's not here.
I know there will be those who say that she knows, she sees all. And while I believe that as well, it doesn't take away from the reality of the situation - she isn't here. There is no physical presence. And it has been ten years of this. And the fact of the matter is simple - I miss her. I want her here.
Clearly I'm just rambling here, thoughts just being tossed out of my head. Some days it is like that. I try and say something so coherently, but it just doesn't work out that way. I mean, in what other ways can I say something as simple and true as I miss my mother?
Ok . . . maybe I'm still a little angry. But that's for another day.
