Tis the season . . . tis the time

Since 2000, I have gone through each Christmas motherless. And I haven't exactly done it with very much grace, either. 

2000 - I was an absolute wreck because it was just over a month since my mother passed. If I recall correctly, my brother and I argued and my father retreated to his own space.

2001 - I stayed in Virginia with my friends. But, I think, for all intents and purposes, I boycotted Christmas. It was more of me just going through the motions. I was numb. Still.

2002 - Again, I was away from my father and brother. No one really pressed the matter . . . we were all trying to find our own way through it all. To borrow a line . . . I got by with a little help from my friends.

2003 - It was my first year of law school. And, even though I spent six months away from my father, I really didn't want to spend Christmas in the home where my mother passed. So, again, I stayed away. 

2004 - This was the first Christmas I spent in Pennsylvania and with my father and brother. Suffice it to say, it was a bit awkward and uncomfortable. It just didn't feel right. But, we muddled through.

2005 - I honestly don't remember what happened for Christmas. 

2006 - My brother, newly married, didn't come home for the holiday. I really had no desire to spend the holiday with my father as he had recently re-married and, well, I wanted nothing to do with his new wife. I spent the holiday with an ex-boyfriend and his family. 

2007 - Let me start with Christmas Eve . . . well, the long and short of it is that I was ridiculously depressed and I missed my mother so much it hurt. It was as if I was experiencing the loss all over again. That is how raw and crushed I felt. There's really no other way to put it. No one could help me out of it. I didn't want anyone's help, actually. I pushed everyone away. It was all I could do to ensure I didn't drown in my own misery. No joke. It was not one of my most stellar moments. In fact, it was horrible. But, all I wanted was my mother. No one could help me with that, so I hid. I spent Christmas away from my father, as he now lives on the west coast most of the time. The holiday was spent on a plane going to Las Vegas with an ex-boyfriend. I had to work while travelling. And, to be honest, I really didn't want to be on that trip.  At all. 

It's now 2008 and I can't believe that with Christmas approaching, I am doing well putting one foot in front of the other. The Christmas cards are addressed and waiting for stamps. I've managed to get my father his present and send it on its way. Most of my shopping for the love of my life is complete. The stuff that's left is to make my annual Christmas cookies and celebrate Christmas with loved ones. I won't be with my father this year, but that's okay. He'll be out west with his new wife and friends. I'll be here celebrating Christmas Eve and Christmas with loved ones. And I truly cannot wait.

Now, I'm not naive to the fact that I will probably think of my mother on Christmas Eve and Christmas . . . and I'm not ignorant to the fact that I'll miss her terribly. But, what I can say is that for the first time I truly feel like it's time to make the holiday joyous again. It's time to embrace the family that remains behind and the family that is to be. It is time to let go of not wanting to let go of my mother. I know that is what she would want. I know that of all things I could do for her for Christmas, it would be to realize that she wants to me stop living standing still, afraid to move forward, to stop feeling guilty for really moving on with my life, to let her go and be at peace. 

So, Christmas is about joy, love and peace. I have much joy in my life for one of the first times ever since my mother died. I have love in my life in quantities that amaze me sometimes. And now, my gift to my mother is to let her soul go and be at peace; to allow myself to continue living at peace, knowing that my mother lives within.