4As Christmas nears, scads of holiday memories come to mind . . . the many family trips to Taiwan to visit my mother's mother, the year I discovered that Santa's handwriting looked a lot like both my mother and father's handwriting, the year we opted for Hawaii instead of Taiwan . . . the list goes on and on. There are quite a few holiday memories where I just sit and giggle or groan to myself thinking about the family Christmases.
One of the most memorable Christmases was the year my family moved to Philadelphia many years ago. Because of the move, my mother made the decision that we would not be going to Taiwan, rather we were staying in Philadelphia to finish unpacking the house and getting it organized. Woohoo!!! I remember thinking that was awesome, because I really didn't feel like going to Taiwan. AGAIN. Not that I don't love my grandmother and seeing her, but the trip does get tiring year after year after year. You know? So, anyway . . . one night, my mother and I were unpacking boxes in the dining room. I have no idea what time it was, but I remember that we were getting somewhat delirious and we'd start laughing for no particular reason. Now, I don't remember the exact order of events, but at some point, my mother ended up in a moving box, legs flopping about, with a moving sticker on her forehead. I remember laughing my head off at her AND taking a picture. The funniest thing is that we were laughing so hard that she couldn't get out of the box.
I had that picture of my mother for years. It reminded me that it is possible that my mother and I get along and have a good time. It often reminded me of the fact that my mother did have a sense of humor and could be ridiculously silly. After many moves of my own once I was out of college, I lost that picture. Or, admittedly, maybe I threw it out in a fit of anger at my mother at some point. I guess it doesn't really matter though, because I have that memory. I'll always have that memory. And nothing, except for maybe Alzheimer's, can take that (along with all my mother mom-memories) away. Sure it'd be great to have the picture just to show other people, but I know within my core that even though my mother and I fought more often than not, there were those incredibly fun and silly times together.
There was probably a period of time when I was unable to think about happy times with my mother because of all the anger and bitterness that was built up inside me. I spent so much time being angry that I was unable to cherish the time we had together after my mother was sick. I was unable to let go of the anger from the past to just be with her, especially in the end. Going to my parent's house was a struggle because I didn't want to deal with her. Even as she got sicker, my mother still had a way of pushing just the right button and then in less than five minutes we were arguing. The anger was so strong in me, that I couldn't just let it be and try to find a way to cherish what ended up being the last few moments I had with my mother.
Now, the anger has subsided along with the bitterness. I've found a way to be okay with everything that transpired between my mother and I. It's the only thing I could do so that I can be in a place where I want to celebrate my mother's life and remember all of our happy and silly times together. I want to be in that place so that as my own family develops, I will be able to share stories, good and bad, of the most incredible mother I could have ever had. As each day passes, I understand her life's importance.
No comments:
Post a Comment