Good approach: Be a friend or as close to a mother on the motherless one’s terms.
Bad approach: Don’t state that you are the “step mother” or “new” mother. Don’t act like the replacement mother.
Given my age and when my mother died, honestly, the last person I need is someone trying to replace my mother or even trying the “mother” me in the smallest way. I don’t mean that to be rude, I don’t mean that to be insensitive to anyone. It’s just the truth. And I know there are women out there who understand this concept; who understand that at a certain point in time, what a motherless daughter needs and most likely wants is a friend. Yet I understand that it is likely a hard balance to maintain or even achieve.
Since my mother passed away, there have been encounters with older women who have attempted just about every approach that exists. I’ve met the woman who flat out told me she is my “new” mother. Umm – no. I think it took every bone in my body to not punch this woman. No joke. I’ve met the woman who easily crosses the line to mothering me. Again, no. As soon as that line is crossed, every bone in my body tenses and I want to scream. But I refrain. And, I met a woman who struck the balance seemingly just right. It is easy for me to say this because she isn’t my own mother and I am able to see her through the eyes of an outsider, not someone in her family. But, for me, navigating through the motherless world, again . . . this particular mother could not have hit it any more perfectly. Having gotten to know each other and spent time together, you could say we forged a relationship. So, during a visit, while we were in the kitchen, she simply conveyed to me that she would never try to replace my mother, she would never try to be a mother to me but that she would always be a friend. Good approach.
Though I know mothers of other people in my life will always take the best interests of their own child first, as it should be. But, I also know that this particular mother will always be true to her word. That she will be a friend, that she will not try and be a mother. And that brings me to a place where I am able to listen to what she has to say without mistrust. That her words carry good intentions. It brings me to a place that when I am with her, I don’t feel like I am putting on appearances, but that I am truly happy to be in her company and in her home.
Now THAT, strikes the balance for a motherless daughter. Thank you.
Bad approach: Don’t state that you are the “step mother” or “new” mother. Don’t act like the replacement mother.
Given my age and when my mother died, honestly, the last person I need is someone trying to replace my mother or even trying the “mother” me in the smallest way. I don’t mean that to be rude, I don’t mean that to be insensitive to anyone. It’s just the truth. And I know there are women out there who understand this concept; who understand that at a certain point in time, what a motherless daughter needs and most likely wants is a friend. Yet I understand that it is likely a hard balance to maintain or even achieve.
Since my mother passed away, there have been encounters with older women who have attempted just about every approach that exists. I’ve met the woman who flat out told me she is my “new” mother. Umm – no. I think it took every bone in my body to not punch this woman. No joke. I’ve met the woman who easily crosses the line to mothering me. Again, no. As soon as that line is crossed, every bone in my body tenses and I want to scream. But I refrain. And, I met a woman who struck the balance seemingly just right. It is easy for me to say this because she isn’t my own mother and I am able to see her through the eyes of an outsider, not someone in her family. But, for me, navigating through the motherless world, again . . . this particular mother could not have hit it any more perfectly. Having gotten to know each other and spent time together, you could say we forged a relationship. So, during a visit, while we were in the kitchen, she simply conveyed to me that she would never try to replace my mother, she would never try to be a mother to me but that she would always be a friend. Good approach.
Though I know mothers of other people in my life will always take the best interests of their own child first, as it should be. But, I also know that this particular mother will always be true to her word. That she will be a friend, that she will not try and be a mother. And that brings me to a place where I am able to listen to what she has to say without mistrust. That her words carry good intentions. It brings me to a place that when I am with her, I don’t feel like I am putting on appearances, but that I am truly happy to be in her company and in her home.
Now THAT, strikes the balance for a motherless daughter. Thank you.
1 comment:
I sometimes watched adult women with their mothers with envious curiosity~when I was much younger & more immature. Now I watch with curiousity, but no envy. It is what it is, but I will only ever have the one Mother, and that is a very good thing. I only needed & cherished the one. ~Mary
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