Merry Christmas!

What a Christmas. It was perfect. And I think it was exactly what my mother was hoping I would allow to finally happen. This Christmas wasn't spent in a fog of missing my mother. It was another one where I faked my way through it. It was not another one where I held myself back from enjoying the holiday with loved ones and friends. Instead, I allowed myself to be present to each and every moment. And I truly could not have asked for a better experience.

Christmas started early given that the love of my life and myself ended up opening every present we had for each other in the wee hours of Christmas day. Truly, I wanted to exchange one present Christmas Eve and leave the rest for the morning. But after we each opened one . . . we decided to just keep going. And it couldn't have evolved into a more spectacular Christmas. And, though I got awesome gifts . . . the joy for me was watching him as he opened up each gift and seeing his face light up or break out into a huge smile. There were practical and extravagant gifts, but each had its own meaning or story. They were thought out carefully because I had learned to do what my mother taught so well, which was to pay attention. Pay attention to everything. There may be those random statements that really aren't so random that will lead to something big, like some of the gifts that I ended up getting for my loved one. When we were opening up gifts, I knew my mother was with me because what really mattered most to me was him opening his gifts and for me to see his reaction.

I recall from an early age that my mother would spend hours in a mall looking, just looking, around at different things and thinking about who needs what or who would appreciate something that caught her eye. My mother didn't just buy gifts for people to have something to give. There was thought, careful thought, for each and every gift purchased. Some may think that purchasing a tie for a man is simple - but not to my mother. She thought about the man, the colors he wore or colors that would best suit him. She thought about his personality, etc. Interestingly enough, I did purchase a tie for the love of my life for Christmas. But it wasn't just a tie. First, it was bought from a store that I knew he loved. Second, I thought about everything that my mother always articulated when she was selecting a tie for a man. I thought about the suits he had, the colors he looked best in and his personality. The things that he liked the best - nothing flamboyant or loud, rather something that was simple yet elegant. I spent much time online looking at different ties that were offered before I went to the store. And when I went to the store, though it was a quick decision, I went through an abbreviated process to  make my final decision. And in the end, it was perfect. He loved it. It was so perfect that when he saw the bag, he thought I was playing a joke on him. 

The best Christmas present for me was watching my man open up each gift that was carefully selected for him. And it was because of the many lessons my mother taught me that I didn't even know she was teaching. That, is also the best Christmas present ever.

** I hope each and every one of you had a wonderful Christmas with your family and loved ones. And thank you for taking time out of your day to read my blog and leaving comments. I appreciate it all.

In appreciation . . .

While reading the ending of The Joy Luck Club, a line resonated within that I think explains so much of my guilt that I've had since my mother passed away. For those of you who don't know the basic story line of the book, here it is. The story revolves around a daughter whose mother passed away and the close friends of her mother's and their daughters. The points of view shift throughout the story and the main lesson to be learned, in my opinion, is how the mothers' pasts shaped, either directly or indirectly, the lives of their daughters. In the book, the last chapter is from the motherless daughter's point of view. And she says, "They'll think I'm responsible, that she died because I didn't appreciate her." That realization is the very same thing I feared when my mother was dying, or rather I feared that, in my case, my mother would die thinking I didn't love her. For I certainly thought my mother died hating me. And that, couldn't have been farther from the truth.

So, there it is . . . it seems so simplistic, so easy. But, it is full of so much emotion from the past. I know that there is no way my mother knew, at least from my words and, likely actions, that I appreciated her. That I admired her drive for what she believed in. That while I thought she was ridiculously stubborn, strict and unflexible she was appreciated. That she was loved so dearly by me. Hindsight is always twenty-twenty, so of course I always think about what I could have done differently, what I could have said. This is true down to the very last time I saw her. The last time I saw my mother, I didn't even speak to her. She was laying in her bed, floating in and out of consciousness. Truth be told, I didn't even approach her. Part of me was afraid, part of me was angry, part of me was being stubborn. It was resolved in my mind that I was done meeting her more than halfway and walking away angry, disappointed because she would just push my buttons. Yes, she managed to do that even while in her last weeks, days. I couldn't see the bigger picture. I couldn't see past my own anger and bitterness. I couldn't see past my own fear because seriously, what would I do if she did die? To approach her, see her as she really was, to me, would only be acknowledgement of what was going on. And that was the last thing I wanted to do. She was my mother . . . there was no way she was actually going to die. But, the thing is, she did. And she did so without my ever telling her how I really felt. She did so and I lost my chance to tell her that regardless of everything I loved her and appreciated everything she had ever done for me. And moreso, that I appreciated every lesson and value that she instilled in me. 

Now, I know that most will say of course she knew that I loved her and that of course she knew that she was appreciated by her only daughter. But of all times for my words and voice to fail me, the last time I saw my mother couldn't have been a worse time. I truly didn't think that she would die two days later. I thought there would be more time. I thought, next time. And so, I've spent the last eight years searching and searching for the answers. Searching for closure, searching for peace. And this year has been the first year where I feel as though the pieces are falling into place. Where I have been open to really reflecting on her life and her actions as well as what my actions are and have been; what my life has been and is. I think this is the first year where I am able to say that through my actions, will my mother or anyone else be able to see that I truly did appreciate her and all that she did. Put all her professional achievements aside . . . it's her personal side that I appreciate. The hardness, the stubbornness, the sillyness, the pure fun that made her who she was. It is mainly due to her that I am the way that I am. It is because of her that I have such firm stances on how I would like my children to be raised. It is because of her that I know what I do and do not want for my professional life. And I'm not saying that in a bad way. And though I don't want every aspect of my married life to reflect what her marriage was to my father, I do know that there are incredible aspects of their marriage that I would want mirrored in my own. 

It is because of my mother that I know who I am. Or at least really seeing and learning who I am. It is because of every aspect of my mother's life that I know what I want for myself and those who I include in my life. How could I not appreciate an incredible woman like that? It's absurd. But, admittedly, I thought for so long that it was my fault. That I didn't love her enough, didn't see her enough, didn't talk to her enough, didn't let her know enough that through it all she was an incredible mother. I know that she died because she was diagnosed with lung cancer well into its last stages where much couldn't be done. I know, rationally, that once it had spread to her bones and her brain that much couldn't be done. But, it didn't negate the incredible amount of guilt I felt. And it is really only now that I understand and realize where that guilt came from . . . that all would think she died because I didn't appreciate her enough. Because quite honestly, it was no secret among the entire family and friends that my mother and I fought more often than not. That's the shame that I brought on and carried myself. Is it true that people blame me for her dying because I didn't appreciate her enough? Reality and rational thinking would say no. But, that's where I was in my head and emotions. And when it comes to emotions of that caliber . . . reality and rational thinking don't really guide. 

Now, I know that it is my responsibility to live my life and quietly demonstrate my appreciation of my mother's life and all the lessons that can be learned. It is my job, as her only daughter, to pass on her knowledge, values and whatever else to my children (hopefully including a daughter) and all those around me. Appreciation is not done with words alone. 

Tis the season . . . tis the time

Since 2000, I have gone through each Christmas motherless. And I haven't exactly done it with very much grace, either. 

2000 - I was an absolute wreck because it was just over a month since my mother passed. If I recall correctly, my brother and I argued and my father retreated to his own space.

2001 - I stayed in Virginia with my friends. But, I think, for all intents and purposes, I boycotted Christmas. It was more of me just going through the motions. I was numb. Still.

2002 - Again, I was away from my father and brother. No one really pressed the matter . . . we were all trying to find our own way through it all. To borrow a line . . . I got by with a little help from my friends.

2003 - It was my first year of law school. And, even though I spent six months away from my father, I really didn't want to spend Christmas in the home where my mother passed. So, again, I stayed away. 

2004 - This was the first Christmas I spent in Pennsylvania and with my father and brother. Suffice it to say, it was a bit awkward and uncomfortable. It just didn't feel right. But, we muddled through.

2005 - I honestly don't remember what happened for Christmas. 

2006 - My brother, newly married, didn't come home for the holiday. I really had no desire to spend the holiday with my father as he had recently re-married and, well, I wanted nothing to do with his new wife. I spent the holiday with an ex-boyfriend and his family. 

2007 - Let me start with Christmas Eve . . . well, the long and short of it is that I was ridiculously depressed and I missed my mother so much it hurt. It was as if I was experiencing the loss all over again. That is how raw and crushed I felt. There's really no other way to put it. No one could help me out of it. I didn't want anyone's help, actually. I pushed everyone away. It was all I could do to ensure I didn't drown in my own misery. No joke. It was not one of my most stellar moments. In fact, it was horrible. But, all I wanted was my mother. No one could help me with that, so I hid. I spent Christmas away from my father, as he now lives on the west coast most of the time. The holiday was spent on a plane going to Las Vegas with an ex-boyfriend. I had to work while travelling. And, to be honest, I really didn't want to be on that trip.  At all. 

It's now 2008 and I can't believe that with Christmas approaching, I am doing well putting one foot in front of the other. The Christmas cards are addressed and waiting for stamps. I've managed to get my father his present and send it on its way. Most of my shopping for the love of my life is complete. The stuff that's left is to make my annual Christmas cookies and celebrate Christmas with loved ones. I won't be with my father this year, but that's okay. He'll be out west with his new wife and friends. I'll be here celebrating Christmas Eve and Christmas with loved ones. And I truly cannot wait.

Now, I'm not naive to the fact that I will probably think of my mother on Christmas Eve and Christmas . . . and I'm not ignorant to the fact that I'll miss her terribly. But, what I can say is that for the first time I truly feel like it's time to make the holiday joyous again. It's time to embrace the family that remains behind and the family that is to be. It is time to let go of not wanting to let go of my mother. I know that is what she would want. I know that of all things I could do for her for Christmas, it would be to realize that she wants to me stop living standing still, afraid to move forward, to stop feeling guilty for really moving on with my life, to let her go and be at peace. 

So, Christmas is about joy, love and peace. I have much joy in my life for one of the first times ever since my mother died. I have love in my life in quantities that amaze me sometimes. And now, my gift to my mother is to let her soul go and be at peace; to allow myself to continue living at peace, knowing that my mother lives within.

Christmas progression

As Christmas draws near, I have to admit that I really don't know how my mother did everything that had to be done. In addition to her working full time, there were so many things that had to be done before the annual Christmas trip to Taiwan. There were presents to be bought for her office employees, her friends in addition to all the presents that had to be bought for anyone she could think of that we would and might see when in Taiwan. Then there were the presents for my father, brother and, of course, me AND all of her brothers and sisters and their kids. I think all of this generally started right after Thanksgiving. 

Today, I was doing some Christmas shopping and while I was driving from place to place it was snowing. At certain points, there were the big fluffy snowflakes. The ones that just make you want to stick out your tongue and catch the snowflakes. I was stopped at a traffic light when all the years of Christmas shopping with my mother came flooding back. However, to my surprise, I did not get depressed or as sad as I am known to get when my mother came to my mind. Rather, I smiled to myself thinking that slowly but surely I am, again, stepping into her shoes. I knew this to be true when I found myself in a store contemplating wrapping paper . . . when I was deciding on which Christmas cards to purchase . . . knowing exactly what I wanted from a particular store . . . hemming and hawing over whether a particular item would be suitable as a gift. I did not do that much wandering through stores, but when I did . . . I could feel my mother right there along my side. I could see the process she went through selecting items as potential gifts and realized that I was doing the same thing. It felt so familiar. So comfortable.

Now, that is not to say that everything went off without a hitch because there was a glitch or two. But that's okay. I really don't mind that there was a glitch here or there because I learned how to approach the situation next Christmas. The point is that I could not be happier to be at a point in my life where I am embracing Christmas again and all that it entails. I am moving forward, putting one foot in front of the other. I am embracing at yet another opportunity where I am able to put all that my mother taught and emulated for me into practice. 

More than just memories

4As Christmas nears, scads of holiday memories come to mind . . . the many family trips to Taiwan to visit my mother's mother, the year I discovered that Santa's handwriting looked a lot like both my mother and father's handwriting, the year we opted for Hawaii instead of Taiwan . . . the list goes on and on. There are quite a few holiday memories where I just sit and giggle or groan to myself thinking about the family Christmases. 

One of the most memorable Christmases was the year my family moved to Philadelphia many years ago. Because of the move, my mother made the decision that we would not be going to Taiwan, rather we were staying in Philadelphia to finish unpacking the house and getting it organized. Woohoo!!! I remember thinking that was awesome, because I really didn't feel like going to Taiwan. AGAIN. Not that I don't love my grandmother and seeing her, but the trip does get tiring year after year after year. You know? So, anyway . . . one night, my mother and I were unpacking boxes in the dining room. I have no idea what time it was, but I remember that we were getting somewhat delirious and we'd start laughing for no particular reason. Now, I don't remember the exact order of events, but at some point, my mother ended up in a moving box, legs flopping about, with a moving sticker on her forehead. I remember laughing my head off at her AND taking a picture. The funniest thing is that we were laughing so hard that she couldn't get out of the box.

I had that picture of my mother for years. It reminded me that it is possible that my mother and I get along and have a good time. It often reminded me of the fact that my mother did have a sense of humor and could be ridiculously silly. After many moves of my own once I was out of college, I lost that picture. Or, admittedly, maybe I threw it out in a fit of anger at my mother at some point. I guess it doesn't really matter though, because I have that memory. I'll always have that memory. And nothing, except for maybe Alzheimer's, can take that (along with all my mother mom-memories) away. Sure it'd be great to have the picture just to show other people, but I know within my core that even though my mother and I fought more often than not, there were those incredibly fun and silly times together. 

There was probably a period of time when I was unable to think about happy times with my mother because of all the anger and bitterness that was built up inside me. I spent so much time being angry that I was unable to cherish the time we had together after my mother was sick. I was unable to let go of the anger from the past to just be with her, especially in the end. Going to my parent's house was a struggle because I didn't want to deal with her. Even as she got sicker, my mother still had a way of pushing just the right button and then in less than five minutes we were arguing. The anger was so strong in me, that I couldn't just let it be and try to find a way to cherish what ended up being the last few moments I had with my mother. 

Now, the anger has subsided along with the bitterness. I've found a way to be okay with everything that transpired between my mother and I. It's the only thing I could do so that I can be in a place where I want to celebrate my mother's life and remember all of our happy and silly times together. I want to be in that place so that as my own family develops, I will be able to share stories, good and bad, of the most incredible mother I could have ever had. As each day passes, I understand her life's importance. 

The weak spots

I’ve recently been reading The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan, again. I can’t tell you just how many times I’ve read this book. Nor would I be able to tell you just how many times I watched the movie. I recall that when I first read the book, I saw so much of me and mother in the individual characters. When I saw the movie, I believe I walked out because it affected me that much. I don’t think I ever walked out of a movie before or after that one time. I don’t know what came over me to read this book again, right now, given that there is a list and stack of other books that I want to read. Not to mention that I’m still working my way through two other books. Regardless, here I am reading The Joy Luck Club yet again.

I must admit that reading TJLC again, I now have a different perspective. A different set of eyes reading the book and absorbing the information. I now read lines or portions of the text and either realize exactly what the lesson is or have multiple experiences of my own that can relate to what I’m reading. So, I’ve taken to writing down excerpts that stand out to me as they have given me many ideas to build on for my own purposes.

While I was reading last night, I came across a portion of text that referred to the invisible barriers that a character had created in order to protect herself from her mother’s attacks. Not the direct attacks where it’s clear what the purpose is, but the indirect attacks. The attacks that hit at our very core. Our weakest spots. Now, I am sure that any mother knows how to do this, but in my experience, from what I’ve seen, Chinese mothers seem to have this down to an art. That both of you could be in a regular conversation alone or with others, and without even skipping a beat or tone. That was exactly how my mother could be when we were together.

My mother knew exactly what buttons to push. She knew exactly what to say. And even moreso, she would say her sharp, cutting words in such a regular tone of voice that it would get me at more core like you wouldn’t believe. And it was all the more frustrating when she would do this when we were in mixed company. It’s not like I can have such a reaction when we are in front of others. (In fact, the only times I’ve ever been saved from my mothers sharp words was if her mother was around.) And it got so bad that I never knew if my mother was being light-hearted or cutting with her words. Hitting my weak points seemed to come so easily. She had a way of doing this that I felt as though just about everything she said to me had some sort of hidden meaning that was meant to grind my nerves.

Now, the bad thing about this is that I learned how to do this very same thing. Just as my mother could cut me to the quick in about three sentences or less, I too, am capable of doing the same thing. And I am learning on a daily basis how to not exercise that skill that my mother perfected. It hurts too many feelings and leaves feelings of inadequacy or resentment for which I want no responsibility. At least most of the time I just make these comments under my breath or in my head . . . it's much better that way. I only wish my mother could have seen that when it came to our interactions. I mean, I know that my mother's job was to be my mother and help me better myself. However, I don't think that includes cutting me to the core with her words that she knew would hit me where it hurt the most. I remember the first time I brought home a 92 on a test. What does she say to me? Where are the other eight points. I constantly heard the barrage of questions or wonderings aloud of why I couldn't be more like my brother, why couldn't I have friends like my brother . . . the constant devaluing of the choices I made in my life. The constant disapproval of just about everything. Focusing on all the times I wasn't around with my family rather than the times where I did pull through for my family. I constantly felt the frustration. I constantly felt the sting of my mother's extremely well-placed words.

To this day, I am still recovering from my mother’s ways. The one that has had such a lasting impact is not taking everything that everyone says so personally. That comments aren’t always full of hidden meanings, but that they are exactly how they sound. And that not everyone is trying to cut me to the quick and have me feel small by their words. It is a daily process to keep the invisible barriers down so that I don't respond defensively or passively to what people may say. Words are words. That's it. Not everyone has mastered the art of using words to the degree that my mother has. And even if they have, not everyone sees the benefit in mastering the art of hitting the weak spot as my mother did.

At this point, it is what I make it . . . or not make it. 

I'd like the usual, please.

The times I feel the loss of my mother tends to be around the holidays. Since my mother's passing, my brother, father and me couldn't be more geographically challenged if we tried. And, with the past few years, I've truly learned who are true friends. 

When I was a kid growing up, the Christmas tradition became easy to remember - we went to Taiwan each year, with the rest of my mother's brothers and sisters and my cousins to see my Grandmother. There was no doubt about any of that. As we got older, maybe not all the cousins would go to Taiwan, but for many years, that's all I knew for Christmas. And what an ordeal that would be. The shopping for people we would see while in Taiwan started early. My mother, who was great at selecting just the right gift for someone, took forever when we would go shopping. When all the shopping was completed, my mother and I would lay everything out, going over who was getting what and what gifts were extras. Then, the task became arranging all the gifts in a suitcase so they would stay in their respective grouping. That was what Christmas was almost every year I can remember up until the end of my college years. When the trips to Taiwan ended . . . I don't think I spent another Christmas with my mother. 

There was a period of time where my mother and I didn't speak. I mean it, we really didn't speak. At all. After a couple of years and many interventions, we were able to come to a point where I could tolerate her presence. And I think she may have felt the same way. And though she was sick, I was looking forward to spending some time with her around the holidays. I had missed the usual family gatherings during the time when my mother and I didn't talk. However, in 2000, spending time with my mother around the holidays was not meant to be. I didn't even get a little bit of Thanksgiving with my mother. 

For a few years, I had my own holiday traditions, but that soon came to an end when I came back to Pennsylvania and decided to stay. And now, I find that I feel a little at sea with the whole celebrating the holidays thing. Now, don't get me wrong - I love Christmas and everything that goes along with it. Well, almost everything. I could do with out the egg nog. I love Christmas carols and the Christmas shows. But, I do miss the Christmas traditions. The things that were constants for me at Christmas - shopping with my mother, decorating with my mother, travelling to Taiwan with my mother . . . All these things that I did with my mother.

I know that the past is the past and there is no way for me to go back. And I know there is no way for me to make my present or future exactly the way as my past was. But, there are just those times when I feel so disorganized or disconnected from the holidays because I find that I am missing my mother and want to do all the things that I once did. The flip side is that I can remake Christmas and start my own traditions. And then I only hope that the holidays will become less disconnected feeling and more family feeling.